You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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