I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
