I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
