I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
