I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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