...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
i've created a new STD.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
