I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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