Umm I'm too high to move.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
