the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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