I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
