i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
