his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
