I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
barbara walters just said penis...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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