Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
