i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
