Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm gonna have a badass scar
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
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shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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