I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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