take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
