Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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