we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
