This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
