My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
