Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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