ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
