Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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