It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
