I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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