one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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