I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
