I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize