when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
