I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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