I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
