her vagina looked like bernie madoff
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
