Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
