I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
