remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
