I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
