Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
