I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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