he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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