Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
