I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
you will always have a special place in my vag
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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