I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
