I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Why is your signature on my underwear?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
