Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I need a burrito and a hug.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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