Got a toothbrush?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
