it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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