I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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