Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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