I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
