i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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