Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
