I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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