did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
