Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize