but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
