You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
