I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
